Right NOW

Mikah is almost 3 months and i wish someone would have told me that its normal, to have another hard time around then....ya no one did and I have been hating life, like the drug addict, just needing a fix, and going crazy because I've done so well for so long, but my grandma died and I had a hard time with that i just don't know where my life is going and I don't know what i want or what to expect anymore?.... i went to a country concert with a bunch of different band and heard a new one and got to talk to her, h name is Heather Morgan and she is so amazing, singer songwriter and she wrote a song named happy its mostly about not wanting some guy anymore and about just wanting to be happy and that's what I want ! i just want to be happy! how do i achieve that? I've tried the church thing and idk if its what i want but I've tried the bad thing and I dont Want that anymore, SO ALL I KNOW IS I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY, RIGHT NOW!

distractions...

I've been randomly going out with an old ex boyfriend lately and again tonight and well lets just be honest I'm probably a bit more then slightly still in love with him. or maybe (hopefully) its just the memory of him. but really he's one of the few people or things i can do, that doesn't make me think of Mikah, but hes also not good for me because I know i need more but I don't think I deserve anything else, well anyone else that is, and its sad and i hate it and it makes my heart hurt because i like hanging out with him but i don't want to be or even think I'm in love with him or even slightly kinda in love with him even if it is just for the distractions...

on a side note mikah is doing great. which always makes me happy, not that I've seen her or really heard but i guess i figure no news is good news so ya...

Mothers day...

well today is mothers day a national holiday celebrated by All cause no matter what you had to have a mother to get here...someone who loved you so much that they would have sacrificed everything to get you to earth... and as much as I love my mother for everything she has done for me always, but I'm sad, an its Hard

i had a great day yesterday, it was national birth mothers day. i took the morning off of work and went to a FSA (families supporting adoption) walk. they had a fire truck and ambulance there for the kids and Cosmo the BYU cougar came and most importantly Brad brought Mikah. i also got the second job i was trying for last night and Brad and Karly brought me to dinner. i love that Mikah is starting to look like them and love it when people say how pretty she is. and don't expect them to say oh shes adopted. but last night when a waiter said oh shes beautiful...Karly said thank you and i smiled then Karly told the waiter that i was her birth mom and it touched me. i know they love me. and love Mikah. and yesterday was just great all around.

but as much as I thought it was all another day i never guessed i would have a hard time with Sunday the 9Th of may 2010 i know I'm a mom and i love my daughter and made the decision to place her because it was the best thing i could have done for her to give her the best life possible. but shes never going to wake up in the morning and come into my room and tell me happy mother day mommy i love you, Karly is her mother. and shes the one who will wake up to her burning breakfast cause she'll be so independent and doing things herself. and I'm so jealous that even now she gets to wake up with her bright eyes and her smiling face beaming up at her.

i know what a mother is and I am but I'm not her mother, I'm her birth mother, her tummy mommy, her biological mom ...i just got her to where she is meant to be, but it doesn't make it any easier on mothers day...

i cant find it

I don't want to be upset but I don't know what to do right now?.... i got to thinking and I was friends with my kids parents for a LONG freaking time when I placed with them thought that it would bring us all closer, yes I understand they have a new baby to take care of Yes I know I don't mean t0 interfere but I placed my baby so now don't have her in my life so much especially compared to the 24 hour contact I had for 8 and a half months and I lost half my friends which was fine cause I realized who was a friend and who was a fake but I feel like I've now lost Brad and Karly, ya I see them occasionally but I'm not friends like I was before I guess I just didn't know what would happen so I assumed something else would be and I was wrong, I don't get it?... i did everything for them kept them in contact throughout everything i was doing every day and they don't even send me the occasional hey whats going on message anymore...i don't get it and I HATE IT... i don't know what to do? I dont even know who to talk to anymore? i'm more alone then I have ever been and I keep things will look up and shit keeps happening to prove me wrong, i'm just waiting for something to look up or a window to open and I cant find it?

out loud.

i've been asked to share my story with some high school classes, telling them they have another option besides abortion or single parenting or getting married before they're ready or being with someone who might not be ready either, i'm so excited! i remember being in my sociology class in high school and hearing a birth mother speak to us about her decision and how right and hard and good and bad it was i think her only bad thought was that even 6 years ago in this class she had a 4 year old boy who was in a closed adoption I cant even imagine how that would be i love that I get to see mikah and hold her and she'll always know who i am and what I did for her and even though I hate to say it because of my thoughts about her father, but what he did for her too.
I do not like trav but i do appreciate that he was at last man enough to sign papers to give mikah the best things in life. and that is probably the only good thing i'll ever say about him again, LOL but seriously its just because he hurt me so bad, but ya SO SO excited to help out and tell my story OUT LOUD!

i knew.I KNOW

i knew everything was going to well for me.
i knew something was going to go wrong.
i knew he was going to contact me sometime.
i knew i hated him.
i didn't know how upset i would get?
i didn't think it would bother me so bad.
i wish he would just go away

he biological father finally texted me. i responded and just asked that he delete my number because i didn't want him in my life anymore. he called me some choice words said i was selfish and that i got what i wanted and then tucked tail and ran. if i got what i wanted, i would have my baby girl. i wouldn't have gotten pregnant out of wedlock and he would be 6 feet under.
i knew, NO i KNOW
i know what I did was right for mikah
I know how hard it was
I know that IF i was being selfish it was for her
I know shes supposed to be where she is as hard ad that is for me its because i love her and its to protect her from him especially when hes bitching at her mommy.
I am a mom and I KNOW what I did was right for my little girl.

my birthday 4/1/2010

so happy birthday to me :) originally i thought i would be in labor today it was mikah's original due date. but she came 2 weeks early, and I'm good with that, I'm having a smallish get together tonight at my house, once i realized that all my friends who could come had kids, i figured just have them all come lol so for my 22 b-day I've set up my TV to watch possibly the princess and the frog and we'll have cake and ice cream and snicker salad and chips and salsa, should be good, mikah's coming with her parents for a bit :) that's what i wanted was to see her. so I'm happy ,

in being happy with the whole arrangement people, (myself included) was starting to worry i wasn't grieving for the loss of not having my daughter, i talked to my counselor told her that mikahs biological father didn't know she had been born yet, and so for the next week i would be worried he would call or show up and want to see her at least, and that the prospect of seeing him again scared the hell out of me. and if i did see him, i would probably beat his face in, she reassured me that it was worst case scenario that he would show up and not to worry but instead of grieving sadly for the loss of mikah that instead i was furious and saddened by the thought of her father. and that it was normal. I'm glad its directed at him and not her or her amazing parents.

wish i knew

so i got to see Mikah yesterday, i went over about 6 and could have stayed till 9 but where shes only 10 days old, there isn't much you can do with her, yes i love holding her and hearing whats going on with her and especially seeing her cute faces and noises she makes, nut once again shes still so little, so I feel funny staying for so long, but I feel funny leaving too, i love her and miss her, but shes not mine and I'm so okay with that because I KNOW I could call or go over whenever and I think that just makes it easier, but I don't need to, and Idk if that means I'm not grieving well or not? I wish there was someone i could talk to about this, I am seeing a counselor but I kinda maybe think I don't need to... or maybe because I'm thinking I'm juts fine maybe I'm bottling it all up?....IDK? and I think NOT knowing is driving me ?maybe it will be better when she gets a bit older? and I can actualy play with her?...then again maybe not Maybe then it will be harder for me? wish I knew?

all i want.

my birthday is coming up, on April first that is. ALL I WANT is to hold my sweet baby Mikah. i would love to all day, my boss already gave me the day off and I know i can always ask to go over, but we have already plans for Sundays and I don't want to over do anything, i know its still about a week away and I'm trying to plan a party for my 22nd but i cant think of anything i would actually like to do?... except just hold and take care of her for the day, I guess my problem is idk how to ask...

I've been friends with the couple for a long time but now i feel like i need to detach for a bit, but its my birthday, I don't know what to do? my mom asked for a few of my friends numbers this morning, i told her i could plan my own party she said she still wanted them, lol Oh well i guess I'll figure it out unless anyone has any ideas?...oh wait no one reads this blog, so I'm putting it out in the universe, hope i can figure it out i only have a week , well 6 days.

one week...

well officially in 5 min Mikah will be one week old, its so insane to think i was sitting in the hospital going on hour 9 of labor and having 15 people watch as the Dr. helped her out with the forceps, and all at once when she came out and everyone saw her and gasped for air people were crying and somehow the room went DEAD silent, and all I could hear was her, her soft whimper and they wrapped her up and handed her to me and nothing else mattered, nothing in the word but my little girl, i already loved her, but in that moment seeing her face I fell so deeply in love there aren't even words, it was also in that moment that confirmed to me because I loved her so much that i wouldn't be able to raise my daughter, and it hurt, i knew where she was going, to a couple that I hand picked out of anyone else, to a mom and dad that could take care of her every need and could protect her from the one person that i was scared to have around anymore, the reason for her very existence, so i let go, and asked God to help me to let go when the time was needed and to help me though this.

they say God doesn't hand anyone more then they can handle, well he must think I'm pretty strong, or hopefully NOT but maybe he's preparing me for something else and this is what I had to go through to be able to handle that, which ever the reason I know I need him now, to get thru the day sometimes, and when its too hard for each day, just to get thru an hour,

in this journey I have learned that
~sometimes you have to cut old friendships, people you realize are not the kind of influence you need around
~you'll find new friends with those who have gone or are going thru the same trials
~Family is EVERYTHING!
~God loves you meaning that there is always SOMEONE you can turn to.
~there is light at the end of the tunnel, and hope and love

these are just a couple things that I have come to know, but now that I know I can face anything and when times are hard I'll know I can make it through.

i love you baby Mikah, happy one week love.

p.s. the timing on the blogsite is wrong, Mikah Emily was born on 3/18/2010 at 12 :10 am

i'm not okay i promise

my chemical romance had this song as a title to one of their songs, not the same but its the thought that was in my head anyway, probably because i think that i'm fine untill someone asks me "how are you feeling?" to which at that point i'm no longer okay but i dont know how to answer, they dont really want to hear that i'm hurt and sad and confused and angry and lonely. they want to hear that i'm doing fine or even ok. but i'm not and if I lie to them i'm only lying to myself. So i've been telling people that i'm sorry but I dont know how to answer that question. i figure its enough of the truth that i'm not lying but far enough away that they dont feel bad and ask what they can do or how they can help because they cant, and they dont know how to react to not being able to actually help.

so now that i'm done answering ya i'm ok then getting asked if i'm sure and answreing them as ya I promise i'll just be honest and say "I'M NOT OKAY I PROMISE" but then like I said it will follow with alot of well what can i do? can I help? who can I shoot?...blah blah blah. just dont ask me anymore, maybe one day when I can figure out what to say then i'll be okay with getting asked again?...probably the only other people who understand are other birth moms, I have a few of those and when they ask I can honestly anawer them and they get it and understand that its ok not to actually be ok.

its times like this that I would kinda love to have a boy friend so that i could call someone and say I need you please come over and let me lay on your lap and yo ucan play with my hair or you can just hold me and let me cry and tell me everything will be ok, and just continue to tell me it will beokay even when I scream at you and tell you its not ok and want to push you away and tell you to go home that you'll just hold me and say you dont understand what i'm going through but you want to help me in which ever way you can, THAT is who i'm looking for,

although I dont have that one man in my life, i have a few girl friends who will be and are here for me. they ask what i'm doing instead of HOW i'm doing, they dont tell me to stop crying and they it will be ok they say they will try and help in anyway they can but know that in this situation they never truly will get it. but they will try, I KNOW they love me and i know i can count on them, i just need to figure out how to find a clone of one of my girls and somehow turn them into a hott guy, someday, someday, i'll find him then my i'm not ok i promise will turn into YES I'M GREAT. and I promise.

placement day 1...

Mikah Emily was born on march 18 2010, at 12:10 am just ten min later then we al expected, well at least me I kinda wanted her out on march 17th making her a st. patties day baby, my dad figures she wanted a whole day to herself instead of just a few min. :) hte hospital and delivery was kinda a party, everyone saw everything and being on an epidural, I dont remember much of it except that the dr. had to come in and use some forcepts to aqctually get her out after about a total of 3 and 1/2 hours of pushing and about a 9 hour labor, i was exhausted,

once she came out and was cleaned up I got to hold her while they sitched me back up, i fell completly in love with her, which only confirmed my decision to place her for adoption, i'm giving her anything I can to give her the absolute best start in the world,

today is my first actual day without her, and I wish i could explain it. it almost feels like aq hole in my heart but so much bigger its not a hole, its more of a black vortex, I knew to expect it but there really is no way of preparing yourself for this, even though I knew and felt like she never really was Mine, i was just who got to bring her to her parents, who i love, I know they will take the very best care of her, i just wish i knew what to do right now,

sure I have long term goals maybe go back to school, mom and i are planning on going on a cruise in a few months, but right now?... what can I do? i'm still on pain meds so I cant drive myself anywhere, not that i would know where to go, i dont want to hang out with any of my friends because unless your a birth mother who has done this before your not going to understand if I just start crying, i dont want to hang out with any of my birth mom friends because I think all i'm going to hear is its ok it does get better, which i know it does, but how? and when? and what about now?

so far its just been resting and watching movies and sleeping and ignoring my phone for the most part, her dad did text me aqnd tell me shes eating well and sleeping pretty good too, and that they love me, i'm going to go look through pics and get some printed off, that is if I can actually look at them? i've been searching facebook seeing what everyone else has posted, something kinda interesting is I would have thought i would have gotten alot more "hey are you ok? how are you doing'? and everyone loved me sorta messages but then again I know that people dont kn0ow what to say when I tell them no i'm not ok, but besides that i'm kinda glad i dont have to answer because I wouldnt know how to?...

she sure is beautiful!

Theatre Time

Hey friends! I am going to see The Glass Menagerie on Monday with some friends it is put on by the mortal fools company they are pretty much an AMAZING theatre group! VERY TALENTED!! I got to see Dr. Frankenstein when they performed it on Halloween. So I am excited to see this show too! And they are even giving me free tickets for blogging about it! So check back after Monday and I will tell you how the show goes!

Also check out their website!! MortalFools.org

i went and saw the show last week and it was very well done the actors did a very good job! THANK YOU!