I've been randomly going out with an old ex boyfriend lately and again tonight and well lets just be honest I'm probably a bit more then slightly still in love with him. or maybe (hopefully) its just the memory of him. but really he's one of the few people or things i can do, that doesn't make me think of Mikah, but hes also not good for me because I know i need more but I don't think I deserve anything else, well anyone else that is, and its sad and i hate it and it makes my heart hurt because i like hanging out with him but i don't want to be or even think I'm in love with him or even slightly kinda in love with him even if it is just for the distractions...
on a side note mikah is doing great. which always makes me happy, not that I've seen her or really heard but i guess i figure no news is good news so ya...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mothers day...
well today is mothers day a national holiday celebrated by All cause no matter what you had to have a mother to get here...someone who loved you so much that they would have sacrificed everything to get you to earth... and as much as I love my mother for everything she has done for me always, but I'm sad, an its Hard
i had a great day yesterday, it was national birth mothers day. i took the morning off of work and went to a FSA (families supporting adoption) walk. they had a fire truck and ambulance there for the kids and Cosmo the BYU cougar came and most importantly Brad brought Mikah. i also got the second job i was trying for last night and Brad and Karly brought me to dinner. i love that Mikah is starting to look like them and love it when people say how pretty she is. and don't expect them to say oh shes adopted. but last night when a waiter said oh shes beautiful...Karly said thank you and i smiled then Karly told the waiter that i was her birth mom and it touched me. i know they love me. and love Mikah. and yesterday was just great all around.
but as much as I thought it was all another day i never guessed i would have a hard time with Sunday the 9Th of may 2010 i know I'm a mom and i love my daughter and made the decision to place her because it was the best thing i could have done for her to give her the best life possible. but shes never going to wake up in the morning and come into my room and tell me happy mother day mommy i love you, Karly is her mother. and shes the one who will wake up to her burning breakfast cause she'll be so independent and doing things herself. and I'm so jealous that even now she gets to wake up with her bright eyes and her smiling face beaming up at her.
i know what a mother is and I am but I'm not her mother, I'm her birth mother, her tummy mommy, her biological mom ...i just got her to where she is meant to be, but it doesn't make it any easier on mothers day...
i had a great day yesterday, it was national birth mothers day. i took the morning off of work and went to a FSA (families supporting adoption) walk. they had a fire truck and ambulance there for the kids and Cosmo the BYU cougar came and most importantly Brad brought Mikah. i also got the second job i was trying for last night and Brad and Karly brought me to dinner. i love that Mikah is starting to look like them and love it when people say how pretty she is. and don't expect them to say oh shes adopted. but last night when a waiter said oh shes beautiful...Karly said thank you and i smiled then Karly told the waiter that i was her birth mom and it touched me. i know they love me. and love Mikah. and yesterday was just great all around.
but as much as I thought it was all another day i never guessed i would have a hard time with Sunday the 9Th of may 2010 i know I'm a mom and i love my daughter and made the decision to place her because it was the best thing i could have done for her to give her the best life possible. but shes never going to wake up in the morning and come into my room and tell me happy mother day mommy i love you, Karly is her mother. and shes the one who will wake up to her burning breakfast cause she'll be so independent and doing things herself. and I'm so jealous that even now she gets to wake up with her bright eyes and her smiling face beaming up at her.
i know what a mother is and I am but I'm not her mother, I'm her birth mother, her tummy mommy, her biological mom ...i just got her to where she is meant to be, but it doesn't make it any easier on mothers day...
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