i'm not okay i promise

my chemical romance had this song as a title to one of their songs, not the same but its the thought that was in my head anyway, probably because i think that i'm fine untill someone asks me "how are you feeling?" to which at that point i'm no longer okay but i dont know how to answer, they dont really want to hear that i'm hurt and sad and confused and angry and lonely. they want to hear that i'm doing fine or even ok. but i'm not and if I lie to them i'm only lying to myself. So i've been telling people that i'm sorry but I dont know how to answer that question. i figure its enough of the truth that i'm not lying but far enough away that they dont feel bad and ask what they can do or how they can help because they cant, and they dont know how to react to not being able to actually help.

so now that i'm done answering ya i'm ok then getting asked if i'm sure and answreing them as ya I promise i'll just be honest and say "I'M NOT OKAY I PROMISE" but then like I said it will follow with alot of well what can i do? can I help? who can I shoot?...blah blah blah. just dont ask me anymore, maybe one day when I can figure out what to say then i'll be okay with getting asked again?...probably the only other people who understand are other birth moms, I have a few of those and when they ask I can honestly anawer them and they get it and understand that its ok not to actually be ok.

its times like this that I would kinda love to have a boy friend so that i could call someone and say I need you please come over and let me lay on your lap and yo ucan play with my hair or you can just hold me and let me cry and tell me everything will be ok, and just continue to tell me it will beokay even when I scream at you and tell you its not ok and want to push you away and tell you to go home that you'll just hold me and say you dont understand what i'm going through but you want to help me in which ever way you can, THAT is who i'm looking for,

although I dont have that one man in my life, i have a few girl friends who will be and are here for me. they ask what i'm doing instead of HOW i'm doing, they dont tell me to stop crying and they it will be ok they say they will try and help in anyway they can but know that in this situation they never truly will get it. but they will try, I KNOW they love me and i know i can count on them, i just need to figure out how to find a clone of one of my girls and somehow turn them into a hott guy, someday, someday, i'll find him then my i'm not ok i promise will turn into YES I'M GREAT. and I promise.