Mikah Emily was born on march 18 2010, at 12:10 am just ten min later then we al expected, well at least me I kinda wanted her out on march 17th making her a st. patties day baby, my dad figures she wanted a whole day to herself instead of just a few min. :) hte hospital and delivery was kinda a party, everyone saw everything and being on an epidural, I dont remember much of it except that the dr. had to come in and use some forcepts to aqctually get her out after about a total of 3 and 1/2 hours of pushing and about a 9 hour labor, i was exhausted,
once she came out and was cleaned up I got to hold her while they sitched me back up, i fell completly in love with her, which only confirmed my decision to place her for adoption, i'm giving her anything I can to give her the absolute best start in the world,
today is my first actual day without her, and I wish i could explain it. it almost feels like aq hole in my heart but so much bigger its not a hole, its more of a black vortex, I knew to expect it but there really is no way of preparing yourself for this, even though I knew and felt like she never really was Mine, i was just who got to bring her to her parents, who i love, I know they will take the very best care of her, i just wish i knew what to do right now,
sure I have long term goals maybe go back to school, mom and i are planning on going on a cruise in a few months, but right now?... what can I do? i'm still on pain meds so I cant drive myself anywhere, not that i would know where to go, i dont want to hang out with any of my friends because unless your a birth mother who has done this before your not going to understand if I just start crying, i dont want to hang out with any of my birth mom friends because I think all i'm going to hear is its ok it does get better, which i know it does, but how? and when? and what about now?
so far its just been resting and watching movies and sleeping and ignoring my phone for the most part, her dad did text me aqnd tell me shes eating well and sleeping pretty good too, and that they love me, i'm going to go look through pics and get some printed off, that is if I can actually look at them? i've been searching facebook seeing what everyone else has posted, something kinda interesting is I would have thought i would have gotten alot more "hey are you ok? how are you doing'? and everyone loved me sorta messages but then again I know that people dont kn0ow what to say when I tell them no i'm not ok, but besides that i'm kinda glad i dont have to answer because I wouldnt know how to?...
she sure is beautiful!
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