wish i knew

so i got to see Mikah yesterday, i went over about 6 and could have stayed till 9 but where shes only 10 days old, there isn't much you can do with her, yes i love holding her and hearing whats going on with her and especially seeing her cute faces and noises she makes, nut once again shes still so little, so I feel funny staying for so long, but I feel funny leaving too, i love her and miss her, but shes not mine and I'm so okay with that because I KNOW I could call or go over whenever and I think that just makes it easier, but I don't need to, and Idk if that means I'm not grieving well or not? I wish there was someone i could talk to about this, I am seeing a counselor but I kinda maybe think I don't need to... or maybe because I'm thinking I'm juts fine maybe I'm bottling it all up?....IDK? and I think NOT knowing is driving me ?maybe it will be better when she gets a bit older? and I can actualy play with her?...then again maybe not Maybe then it will be harder for me? wish I knew?

all i want.

my birthday is coming up, on April first that is. ALL I WANT is to hold my sweet baby Mikah. i would love to all day, my boss already gave me the day off and I know i can always ask to go over, but we have already plans for Sundays and I don't want to over do anything, i know its still about a week away and I'm trying to plan a party for my 22nd but i cant think of anything i would actually like to do?... except just hold and take care of her for the day, I guess my problem is idk how to ask...

I've been friends with the couple for a long time but now i feel like i need to detach for a bit, but its my birthday, I don't know what to do? my mom asked for a few of my friends numbers this morning, i told her i could plan my own party she said she still wanted them, lol Oh well i guess I'll figure it out unless anyone has any ideas?...oh wait no one reads this blog, so I'm putting it out in the universe, hope i can figure it out i only have a week , well 6 days.

one week...

well officially in 5 min Mikah will be one week old, its so insane to think i was sitting in the hospital going on hour 9 of labor and having 15 people watch as the Dr. helped her out with the forceps, and all at once when she came out and everyone saw her and gasped for air people were crying and somehow the room went DEAD silent, and all I could hear was her, her soft whimper and they wrapped her up and handed her to me and nothing else mattered, nothing in the word but my little girl, i already loved her, but in that moment seeing her face I fell so deeply in love there aren't even words, it was also in that moment that confirmed to me because I loved her so much that i wouldn't be able to raise my daughter, and it hurt, i knew where she was going, to a couple that I hand picked out of anyone else, to a mom and dad that could take care of her every need and could protect her from the one person that i was scared to have around anymore, the reason for her very existence, so i let go, and asked God to help me to let go when the time was needed and to help me though this.

they say God doesn't hand anyone more then they can handle, well he must think I'm pretty strong, or hopefully NOT but maybe he's preparing me for something else and this is what I had to go through to be able to handle that, which ever the reason I know I need him now, to get thru the day sometimes, and when its too hard for each day, just to get thru an hour,

in this journey I have learned that
~sometimes you have to cut old friendships, people you realize are not the kind of influence you need around
~you'll find new friends with those who have gone or are going thru the same trials
~Family is EVERYTHING!
~God loves you meaning that there is always SOMEONE you can turn to.
~there is light at the end of the tunnel, and hope and love

these are just a couple things that I have come to know, but now that I know I can face anything and when times are hard I'll know I can make it through.

i love you baby Mikah, happy one week love.

p.s. the timing on the blogsite is wrong, Mikah Emily was born on 3/18/2010 at 12 :10 am

i'm not okay i promise

my chemical romance had this song as a title to one of their songs, not the same but its the thought that was in my head anyway, probably because i think that i'm fine untill someone asks me "how are you feeling?" to which at that point i'm no longer okay but i dont know how to answer, they dont really want to hear that i'm hurt and sad and confused and angry and lonely. they want to hear that i'm doing fine or even ok. but i'm not and if I lie to them i'm only lying to myself. So i've been telling people that i'm sorry but I dont know how to answer that question. i figure its enough of the truth that i'm not lying but far enough away that they dont feel bad and ask what they can do or how they can help because they cant, and they dont know how to react to not being able to actually help.

so now that i'm done answering ya i'm ok then getting asked if i'm sure and answreing them as ya I promise i'll just be honest and say "I'M NOT OKAY I PROMISE" but then like I said it will follow with alot of well what can i do? can I help? who can I shoot?...blah blah blah. just dont ask me anymore, maybe one day when I can figure out what to say then i'll be okay with getting asked again?...probably the only other people who understand are other birth moms, I have a few of those and when they ask I can honestly anawer them and they get it and understand that its ok not to actually be ok.

its times like this that I would kinda love to have a boy friend so that i could call someone and say I need you please come over and let me lay on your lap and yo ucan play with my hair or you can just hold me and let me cry and tell me everything will be ok, and just continue to tell me it will beokay even when I scream at you and tell you its not ok and want to push you away and tell you to go home that you'll just hold me and say you dont understand what i'm going through but you want to help me in which ever way you can, THAT is who i'm looking for,

although I dont have that one man in my life, i have a few girl friends who will be and are here for me. they ask what i'm doing instead of HOW i'm doing, they dont tell me to stop crying and they it will be ok they say they will try and help in anyway they can but know that in this situation they never truly will get it. but they will try, I KNOW they love me and i know i can count on them, i just need to figure out how to find a clone of one of my girls and somehow turn them into a hott guy, someday, someday, i'll find him then my i'm not ok i promise will turn into YES I'M GREAT. and I promise.

placement day 1...

Mikah Emily was born on march 18 2010, at 12:10 am just ten min later then we al expected, well at least me I kinda wanted her out on march 17th making her a st. patties day baby, my dad figures she wanted a whole day to herself instead of just a few min. :) hte hospital and delivery was kinda a party, everyone saw everything and being on an epidural, I dont remember much of it except that the dr. had to come in and use some forcepts to aqctually get her out after about a total of 3 and 1/2 hours of pushing and about a 9 hour labor, i was exhausted,

once she came out and was cleaned up I got to hold her while they sitched me back up, i fell completly in love with her, which only confirmed my decision to place her for adoption, i'm giving her anything I can to give her the absolute best start in the world,

today is my first actual day without her, and I wish i could explain it. it almost feels like aq hole in my heart but so much bigger its not a hole, its more of a black vortex, I knew to expect it but there really is no way of preparing yourself for this, even though I knew and felt like she never really was Mine, i was just who got to bring her to her parents, who i love, I know they will take the very best care of her, i just wish i knew what to do right now,

sure I have long term goals maybe go back to school, mom and i are planning on going on a cruise in a few months, but right now?... what can I do? i'm still on pain meds so I cant drive myself anywhere, not that i would know where to go, i dont want to hang out with any of my friends because unless your a birth mother who has done this before your not going to understand if I just start crying, i dont want to hang out with any of my birth mom friends because I think all i'm going to hear is its ok it does get better, which i know it does, but how? and when? and what about now?

so far its just been resting and watching movies and sleeping and ignoring my phone for the most part, her dad did text me aqnd tell me shes eating well and sleeping pretty good too, and that they love me, i'm going to go look through pics and get some printed off, that is if I can actually look at them? i've been searching facebook seeing what everyone else has posted, something kinda interesting is I would have thought i would have gotten alot more "hey are you ok? how are you doing'? and everyone loved me sorta messages but then again I know that people dont kn0ow what to say when I tell them no i'm not ok, but besides that i'm kinda glad i dont have to answer because I wouldnt know how to?...

she sure is beautiful!

Theatre Time

Hey friends! I am going to see The Glass Menagerie on Monday with some friends it is put on by the mortal fools company they are pretty much an AMAZING theatre group! VERY TALENTED!! I got to see Dr. Frankenstein when they performed it on Halloween. So I am excited to see this show too! And they are even giving me free tickets for blogging about it! So check back after Monday and I will tell you how the show goes!

Also check out their website!! MortalFools.org

i went and saw the show last week and it was very well done the actors did a very good job! THANK YOU!