trying again

today was my 2 year anniversary of the day i placed Mikah, yesterday was hard, today was ok ran a couple errands and then just got to chill with my amazing auntie, shes been blogging which has inspired me to blog too, we will see how it goes, she a lot more witty then me, and more fun to read but I think i do have 2 followers, so there yo ugo, i havent forgot about you, well i did, but i rememebr you now, Love you ill try and do this more often, im trying again.

Right NOW

Mikah is almost 3 months and i wish someone would have told me that its normal, to have another hard time around then....ya no one did and I have been hating life, like the drug addict, just needing a fix, and going crazy because I've done so well for so long, but my grandma died and I had a hard time with that i just don't know where my life is going and I don't know what i want or what to expect anymore?.... i went to a country concert with a bunch of different band and heard a new one and got to talk to her, h name is Heather Morgan and she is so amazing, singer songwriter and she wrote a song named happy its mostly about not wanting some guy anymore and about just wanting to be happy and that's what I want ! i just want to be happy! how do i achieve that? I've tried the church thing and idk if its what i want but I've tried the bad thing and I dont Want that anymore, SO ALL I KNOW IS I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY, RIGHT NOW!

distractions...

I've been randomly going out with an old ex boyfriend lately and again tonight and well lets just be honest I'm probably a bit more then slightly still in love with him. or maybe (hopefully) its just the memory of him. but really he's one of the few people or things i can do, that doesn't make me think of Mikah, but hes also not good for me because I know i need more but I don't think I deserve anything else, well anyone else that is, and its sad and i hate it and it makes my heart hurt because i like hanging out with him but i don't want to be or even think I'm in love with him or even slightly kinda in love with him even if it is just for the distractions...

on a side note mikah is doing great. which always makes me happy, not that I've seen her or really heard but i guess i figure no news is good news so ya...

Mothers day...

well today is mothers day a national holiday celebrated by All cause no matter what you had to have a mother to get here...someone who loved you so much that they would have sacrificed everything to get you to earth... and as much as I love my mother for everything she has done for me always, but I'm sad, an its Hard

i had a great day yesterday, it was national birth mothers day. i took the morning off of work and went to a FSA (families supporting adoption) walk. they had a fire truck and ambulance there for the kids and Cosmo the BYU cougar came and most importantly Brad brought Mikah. i also got the second job i was trying for last night and Brad and Karly brought me to dinner. i love that Mikah is starting to look like them and love it when people say how pretty she is. and don't expect them to say oh shes adopted. but last night when a waiter said oh shes beautiful...Karly said thank you and i smiled then Karly told the waiter that i was her birth mom and it touched me. i know they love me. and love Mikah. and yesterday was just great all around.

but as much as I thought it was all another day i never guessed i would have a hard time with Sunday the 9Th of may 2010 i know I'm a mom and i love my daughter and made the decision to place her because it was the best thing i could have done for her to give her the best life possible. but shes never going to wake up in the morning and come into my room and tell me happy mother day mommy i love you, Karly is her mother. and shes the one who will wake up to her burning breakfast cause she'll be so independent and doing things herself. and I'm so jealous that even now she gets to wake up with her bright eyes and her smiling face beaming up at her.

i know what a mother is and I am but I'm not her mother, I'm her birth mother, her tummy mommy, her biological mom ...i just got her to where she is meant to be, but it doesn't make it any easier on mothers day...

i cant find it

I don't want to be upset but I don't know what to do right now?.... i got to thinking and I was friends with my kids parents for a LONG freaking time when I placed with them thought that it would bring us all closer, yes I understand they have a new baby to take care of Yes I know I don't mean t0 interfere but I placed my baby so now don't have her in my life so much especially compared to the 24 hour contact I had for 8 and a half months and I lost half my friends which was fine cause I realized who was a friend and who was a fake but I feel like I've now lost Brad and Karly, ya I see them occasionally but I'm not friends like I was before I guess I just didn't know what would happen so I assumed something else would be and I was wrong, I don't get it?... i did everything for them kept them in contact throughout everything i was doing every day and they don't even send me the occasional hey whats going on message anymore...i don't get it and I HATE IT... i don't know what to do? I dont even know who to talk to anymore? i'm more alone then I have ever been and I keep things will look up and shit keeps happening to prove me wrong, i'm just waiting for something to look up or a window to open and I cant find it?

out loud.

i've been asked to share my story with some high school classes, telling them they have another option besides abortion or single parenting or getting married before they're ready or being with someone who might not be ready either, i'm so excited! i remember being in my sociology class in high school and hearing a birth mother speak to us about her decision and how right and hard and good and bad it was i think her only bad thought was that even 6 years ago in this class she had a 4 year old boy who was in a closed adoption I cant even imagine how that would be i love that I get to see mikah and hold her and she'll always know who i am and what I did for her and even though I hate to say it because of my thoughts about her father, but what he did for her too.
I do not like trav but i do appreciate that he was at last man enough to sign papers to give mikah the best things in life. and that is probably the only good thing i'll ever say about him again, LOL but seriously its just because he hurt me so bad, but ya SO SO excited to help out and tell my story OUT LOUD!

i knew.I KNOW

i knew everything was going to well for me.
i knew something was going to go wrong.
i knew he was going to contact me sometime.
i knew i hated him.
i didn't know how upset i would get?
i didn't think it would bother me so bad.
i wish he would just go away

he biological father finally texted me. i responded and just asked that he delete my number because i didn't want him in my life anymore. he called me some choice words said i was selfish and that i got what i wanted and then tucked tail and ran. if i got what i wanted, i would have my baby girl. i wouldn't have gotten pregnant out of wedlock and he would be 6 feet under.
i knew, NO i KNOW
i know what I did was right for mikah
I know how hard it was
I know that IF i was being selfish it was for her
I know shes supposed to be where she is as hard ad that is for me its because i love her and its to protect her from him especially when hes bitching at her mommy.
I am a mom and I KNOW what I did was right for my little girl.